On my New Blog

So far I am having an absolute blast with my new blog, The Catholic Nerd. For one thing, it feels like this is the kind of writing I've always wanted to do, but haven't had the opportunity to (been too wrapped up in trying to sound professional and serious). For another, I get to do things like equate the atheistic version of God to a cross between Superman and Jason Voorhees, complete with picture.

Speaking of pictures, the only real problem I've run into so far is the fact that I keep having to delay posts until I can find and/or make the right illustrations. This has necessitated my re-installing Photoshop on my old laptop and spending a little too much time messing around in Garry's Mod. It also means that I generally have to wait until I get home to publish them, since I can't make the pictures at work. Like I could have posted my recent piece on atheism today, but I decided that I really needed a Time's Square ad from an uptight spinster to illustrate my point properly, and so I must delay.

I've got big plans for this blog. I'm hoping to make something really unique and wonderful out of it. Stay tuned!

Work Complaints

I've come to the conclusion that I don't much like my job. The pay's good, and all (though I confess I have an irrational dislike for benefits packages brought on by three years of dying a little inside everytime I hear the word 'healthcare'), and the environment is generally pretty quiet, and as long as I get my work done no one minds if I write or blog at work.

Okay, put like that, I have pretty much nothing to complain about, job-wise. Except for the insane uselessness of the accounts payable people. I mean, do they ever even read my e-mails? Cause if they do, they certainly don't act like it. One day I'm going to test them by writing the most incredibly insulting e-mail my twisted mind can create, and then when they complain I'll just say "Oh, so you do read my e-mails! So why do you never pay the phone bill like I ask you to, you..."

But I digress.

I suppose my real problem with my job is that I honestly don't care about it much. I have no interest in cars except as a means of transportation, and even less in car parts like wipers and lighting. I have even less in...whatever it is I actually work with. Numbers, and papers and that bloody SAP program and vendors who somehow keep managing to lose the numbers off of the purchase orders that they'd like to get paid for now. Then they start furiously complaining that they aren't getting paid soon enough when I tell them the PO is marked for payment next month and they yell at me for that, then I have to inform them that the company only pays twice a month, so it'll be another week and then the payment date falls on a weekend so...

There I go again.

It's not the fact of the problems; I know there'll be problems everywhere I work. It's the fact that these are such ridiculous and dull problems. They're the kind of problems that makes one think "what am I doing with my life?!" and then return to that fantasy of going down south and opening up a rattlesnake sanctuary (yes, I have seriously considered that. Rattlesnakes need protection too, you know!).

In any case, I am now firmly convinced that my future does not lie in the corporate world (or at least, not in administration). I will probably work here for at least another year or two, but I'll be looking for a way out. In the meantime, I thank God I have a good, steady job that isn't actively odious and that gives me time to write things like this.

Day 7: Manhood Pt. 2

"What men in my life exemplify the qualities listed in Day 6?"

I've been fortunate enough to know a number of great exemplars of manliness in my own life. In the interest in space, however, I'm going to confine myself to three who particularly stand out:

My Father: The best example of manhood I know is my father, who exemplifies the qualities of strength channeled through duty. My father has always been there for us all while we were growing up. He never failed to tell us that he loved us, or to make it known that he would always support us.

My College Latin/Honors Teacher, Prof. Smith: Probably the finest scholar I ever knew, Prof. Smith was a large, white-bearded man who could control a class effortlessly while simultaneously dropping a classical philosophy of education as the uncovering of reality. I'd say I learned more from him in two years than in my entire prior education.

My Brother-in-Law, Seth: My brother-in-law  is an excellent example of Catholic manhood. He works as a mason (the job, not the secret society), plays guitar, and farms with my sister, their beautiful daughter, their dog, and a dozen or so chickens. Together they comprise the best example I know of a truly Catholic lifestyle.

P.S. I'm sorry this one took so long; I'm generally not very comfortable talking about people I know so directly online. I'll try to blog more regularly in the future.

Google Brain Teasers:

Today I stumbled across a very interesting list of brain-teasers that Google used to force its potential employees to answer. So, just for fun, I decided to list my responses below:

Google Questions and my Answers:

How many golf balls can fit in a school bus?

Answer: Enough. More if you don’t want it to go anywhere.

How much should you charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?

Answer: Twelve first-born sons, six first-born daughters, two immortal souls, and the cost of water and equipment.

In a country in which people only want boys every family continues to have children until they have a boy. If they have a girl, they have another child. If they have a boy, they stop. What is the proportion of boys to girls in the country?

Answer: Non sustainable. Hello, China!

Design an evacuation plan for San Francisco

Answer: Quietly and calmly exit the city before anyone realizes something’s wrong (who's gonna miss San Francisco?).

Why are manhole covers round?

Answer: So dumb-bells can be used in a pinch. Alternatively, so they can be more easily transported and replaced.

How many piano tuners are there in the entire world?

Answer: A comfortable surplus.

How many times a day does a clock’s hands overlap?

Answer: Depends on whether the clock has a second hand. If it doesn’t, 24 times (Once every hour). If it does, then the second hand overlaps with the other two 2880 times a piece and overlaps with both at the same time 24 times.

Explain the significance of "dead beef"

Answer: Either a redundant phrase or the product of someone misusing his words. Or both.

A man pushed his car to a hotel and lost his fortune. What happened?

Answer: He was coming to the hotel to collect his lottery winnings. He was late, so they donated it to the UN. Now no one will ever see that money again.

You need to check that your friend, Bob, has your correct phone number, but you cannot ask him directly. You must write the question on a card which and give it to Eve who will take the card to Bob and return the answer to you. What must you write on the card, besides the question, to ensure Bob can encode the message so that Eve cannot read your phone number?

Answer: Write the message in Latin telling him to write the number in Braille. Alternatively, entrust this mission to someone I don’t mind reading my phone number.

You're the captain of a pirate ship and your crew gets to vote on how the gold is divided up. If fewer than half of the pirates agree with you, you die. How do you recommend apportioning the gold in such a way that you get a good share of the booty, but still survive.

Answer: Suggest that slightly more than half of the pirates join me in killing the rest and dividing up their shares.

You have 8 identical balls, 7 of them weigh the same, and one of them weighs slightly more. How can you find the ball that is heavier by using a balance and only two weighings?

Answer: For the first weighing, you put three balls on each side of the balance. If one side is heavier, it contains the heavier ball. If they balance, one of the two remaining balls is the heavier. In the former case, remove all the balls from the lighter end and set them aside. Then remove one ball from the heavier end, move the other to the other side, and weigh. If they balance, the removed ball is the heavier. If they don’t, the heavier side will be revealed. In the latter case, simply weigh the two remaining balls.  

You are given 2 eggs. You have access to a 100-story building. Eggs can be very hard or very fragile means it may break if dropped from the first floor or may not even break if dropped from 100th floor. Both eggs are identical. You need to figure out the highest floor of a 100-story building an egg can be dropped without breaking. The question is how many drops you need to make. You are allowed to break 2 eggs in the process

Answer: I decide that this test can have no practical use so I go home and scramble the eggs instead. Alternatively, I simply start at floor one, drop the egg, and retrieve it each time to drop it again.

Explain a database in three sentences to your eight-year-old nephew.

Answer: It’s a place where people store information so they can find it later. It’s on computers. Making it is a very boring job.

You are shrunk to the height of a nickel and your mass is proportionally reduced so as to maintain your original density. You are then thrown into an empty glass blender. The blades will start moving in 60 seconds. What do you do?

Answer: Hop into the middle and unscrew the blades with my belt-buckle. Then use the blades to cut my way out and get revenge. 

Any different answers? 

Disappointing Halloween

There are a number of families in my apartment complex, so I naturally assumed there woudl be trick-or-treaters.

I was fairly excited about it; I boought a bunch of large candy bars to overflow my largest bowl, then I went out and bought a few more just to be safe. I bought a pumpkin, threw together a quick 'Death' costume, and even came up with a few macabre jokes to play on the kids ("Your fate involves eating too much candy"). Switched on the light, settled in, and waited.

Turns out I may have overestimated the number of children in my apartment complex.

No trick-or-treaters: not one. I was disappointed, even a little sad. I had been looking forward to handing out candy to the cute little ghoulies and ghosties and pop-culture beasties. Now I'm stuck with a large bowl of candy-bars that I have to finish myself.

At least I got some writing done. And my costume was pretty cool for all it's simplicity.

Day 6: Manhood

     Day Six: Describe your image of the ideal man (Jesus excepted).

       This was a complex question that required a good deal of thought and reflection. Here’s what I have come up with.

            The chief duty of a man is to provide and protect. In the most basic family unit the mother bears and raises the child while the man provides food, shelter, and defense for her while she does so. Therefore the key virtue of man could be said to be strength; strength channeled through devotion. I believe that every quality a man can posses will ultimately boil down to this formula: strength channeled through devotion.

            The ideal man, therefore, will have a very specific purpose to his life, one which will direct his energies in a particular direction. In addition, he’ll have or seek to develop the ability to fulfill his purpose.

            Now, the purpose that drives the man’s devotion must be a worthwhile one; if it is too limited or insignificant it won’t allow him to develop his strength and he will atrophy. If it is impractical or utterly unattainable he won’t be able to properly pursue it (since you can’t use an illusion to guide yourself). If it’s an unworthy or morally deficient goal, it will warp his strength or turn it into ruthlessness and cruelty (the image I have is of a cannon; if it’s pointed at the correct target, it’s effective. If it’s mishandled, it’s just destructive).

            So the ideal man will devote himself to a worthwhile purpose, which will nurture his strength and cause it to increase, bringing him closer and closer to achieving his purpose.

            That’s in the abstract. Dialing down a bit closer to earth, the ideal man would look something like this:

            He is a professional; whatever his particular occupation is, he is an expert at it. In the face of opposition he holds his ground firmly, yet calmly; he accepts no insult, nor does he insult anyone. He is supremely sure of who he is and what he believes and is comfortable with himself. If he has a family, they are his first priority. He never lies, he never cheats, he never compromises his principles.

            If you met him, you would find him a pleasant, engaging acquaintance. He would strike you as someone who is at peace with himself and who knows his place in life. There would be no bitterness about him, whatever his current situation. If things were going badly for him, he probably wouldn’t mention it, or if he did it would be in an off-the-cuff, disinterested manner. If things were going well, he might tell you how grateful he was. He might be talkative and friendly, or he might be taciturn and reserved, but he would always be polite and never give offense.

            You would come away with the impression that this was someone you could depend on; someone who seems to have figured out something you haven’t. You would certainly consider him a friend worth having, and you would pity the man that made him an enemy. For you would sense that, however polite and friendly the man might be, here was someone who could never be bullied or intimidated into submission. Here were great reserves of strength that could be directed on any obstacle with devastating force, and woe to the one who tried to be an obstacle to this man’s purpose.

            There’s a quality about the ideal man that is hard to capture in words: a sense of solidity, the slightly intimidating impression that this is someone you could never move or manipulate. At the same time, though, you enjoy spending time with him because of his engagingly good nature. The ideal man inspires not only liking, but respect in those who meet him. It’s a similar effect to when we encounter, say, a waterfall, or a thunderstorm, or a beautiful piece of music. It’s the sense that here is something that is closer than most things to how it ought to be: a clearer-than-usual image of God.

Random Updates

After months of no reviews, I went ahead and posted five in a row at 'Catholicity of Taste.' They were old ones from last year's 'Halloween Movies' project, which I'm attempting to repeat this year. The only trouble is that I've been sick for the past few days and whether it's from that or the medicine I'm taking (sweet nyquil! No one understands me like you do...) my mind feels sluggish and uncreative and my writing is coming out lame and rambling. Hopefully I'll have this year's first Halloween film posted around the middle of this week so that the second one will go up over the weekend (what are my picks this year? Wait and see...).

I also feel bad about not posting Day 6 sooner. The problem with that one is that it required a good deal of thought and my thoughts kept getting interrupted. Let's comit to posting it sometime this week.

I discovered that I like canned chicken-noodle soup last weekend. Or at least, I like it until it runs out of chicken and all that's left are soggy noodles (which takes a disturbingly short amount of time). As a bonus, I finally have some cans to collect my bacon grease (yes, I'm fairly excited about that). I'm also a little disturbed that I now can track the phases of my bi-annual illnesses fairly closely now.